Meg

root canal

2007-08-08T10:08:00.000-06:00

I fucking had a root canal. It fucking hurt me. Don't ever have one! Boooooo!

3's a Crowd

2007-07-30T11:57:00.000-06:00

I think this 3some matter deserves a vote. Let me know why you think I should or shouldn't do it. I will tally the votes and act accordingly, of course I will also report back my tale of dirty hilarity. It will be the ghetto sex and the city.

Cinco de Mayo Guy

2007-07-29T14:51:00.000-06:00

So, as many of you have heard the story of my cinco de mayo celebration, I will only briefly re-cap before telling the tale of my most recent encounter with the infamous "Cinco de Mayo guy", or as some of you know him "tittyfuck guy". On Cinco de Mayo, my aunt Kathy, who is my Dad's youngest sister, had a party. I went, and most of the guests were friends from her work, including a guy named Josh, and 2 of my other aunts. After several pitchers of margaritas, her friends suggested that we go to Cowboys, and I, having never gotten wasted with my aunts before, agreed. We sang karaoke and had more drinks, and my aunt Kathy starts asking about my boobs. What bra size do I wear? What side of the family do they come from? etc..Josh overhears all of this and confesses that he can't stop thinking about my boobs. He asks me if he takes me home if he can tittyfuck me, and I, being very drunk agree because I think it will be hilarious. Long story short- we went to his house and had fun, although we forgot about the tittyfuck.

Now, I thought I'd never see this dude ever again, but I was very very wrong indeed! Yesterday I recieved a phonecall from one of my Muehlbauer aunts, requesting that I attend my aunt Kathy's 40th birthday party, which was to be held at none other than Josh's house. I show up and am introduced to the party guests including (to my horror ) Josh's fucking wife! She must have seen the look on my face because she said "don't worry, I know that you guys fucked each other and that's fine, we have a cool relationship". I was very thrown off by this, but she was really fun and we got along well the rest of the night. Throughout the party, Josh occaisionally came over to talk to me about my tits, proposition me for titty photographs, attept to cop a feel, request a private viewing, etc, which I found both hilarious and creepy. Toward the end of the night, as I was getting ready to go home, drunk off my ass, he pulls me aside and tells me that he talked to his wife about it, and they decided that they wanted me to join them for a threesome! I believe his exact words were "I'm going to give you a pearl necklace and then we're going to double team you". I thanked him for the offer, told him I was flattered, but that I don't fuck married people, even if it was going to be both of them at the same time. He was cool, and said the offer remained opened if I ever changed my mind. I left with Kristen and when we got into the car, I couldn't stop laughing for about 20 minutes.

I know his may be way too much information for some of you, but I thought it was to crazily hilarious not to tell.

Peace!

Harry Potter

2007-07-11T19:47:00.000-06:00

Ok, I realize that by expresing my enthusiasm I may be revealing myself as the hugest loser of all time, but this latest Harry Potter movie blew my motherfucking mind!!!!! Holy shit! If you are any kind of HP fan, or even if you aren't, go see this movie, it blows all the other films away. It's fucking sweet, I won't say anything more because I don't like to ruin things for people. Also, I am about to cream my pants just thinking about the 7th book! Harry Potter!!!

4th of July

2007-07-04T07:03:00.000-06:00

I never get to have fun on the 4th of July. I am always either at work, or have a huge lak of plans. Not that I give that much of a crap about celebrating the country, but barbeques and fireworks are fun! Today I will be working all day, and I get holiday pay which is double time, but I'm still sad. Blow something up for me.

E-mails

2007-07-03T22:07:00.000-06:00

Can I just say how much I love getting naughty e-mails! Nothing perks up my day like checking my e-mail, expecting to get nothing but a bunch of spam and finding a nice little note filled with nothing but filth! It's awesome reading something so dirty at work, makes me not mind being there. Thanks Skye!

Cell phone

2007-06-27T23:57:00.000-06:00

Is back on! I am once again in touch with the world! Call me!

Date 2

2007-06-27T23:55:00.000-06:00

Was awesome, I heart dates!! 3 cheers for big black guys and their love of the curvy ladies! More exclaimation points!!!!

Blind Date

2007-06-26T00:28:00.001-06:00

I just went on a blind date, and it turned out wonderfully! I met this guy on yahoo personals, which sadly, I joined. Good thing I did though, because this guy is awesome! Firstly, he is fun and a really nice person. Second, he is exactly what I find attractive! He is a big black guy, and he's super hot! Thirdly, and most importantly, he thinks I am hot, which, as we all know, is a very rare trait indeed! I am using a lot of exclaimation points!!!! Hoorah!

Blog again!

2007-06-18T22:42:00.001-06:00

So, since people might actually read this, it's time for an update! As you all know, I have moved back to the Beach. It is strange, people down here are totally different than people in northern Colorado by far, in general they are far more polite to working stiffs like myself, since tarting at the Chapel Hill Gordon's, I've gotten very few snotty customers, I'd say it's about a 95% decrease in assholes! I guess all the Jesus in people's lives makes them much nicer, so let's hear it for God!

Anyway, now that I'm back home my life is tres boring. I work about 50 hours a week with sweet sweet overtime pay, but I'm still looking for a "real" job so that I can pretend I'm an adult or something. I miss all y'all, so don't hesitate to let me know about plans so I can pretend I have a life. OH! My phone is also broken, don't call it, send me e-mails or call me at gordon's(in the phonebook!)or at home. Also...how do I post on the communal site?

Happy Holiday

2006-12-24T07:03:00.001-07:00

I love Christmastime. I love spending it at work even more. Nothing says holiday cheer to me more than haggling the price of diamond earrings with cheap rednecks for 12 hours everyday. I've been saying
"Happy Holidays" to people and some of them answer back with a very RUDE "MERRY CHRISTMAS!". Since when is "happy holidays" offensive. We have Jewish customers, we have Hindi customers, why would you be offended by that? It's not like I've been saying "Happy Solstice". Nevertheless, the season is almost over, and I'm still in a pretty good mood (If I can make it through the day with Jennifer(she outs the "ho" in "ho ho ho")). After work today I get to pick up Dustin's dog, which I miss very very much, and go to the Springs to spend some time overeating with my family. Ho Ho Ho!

Snow Blows

2006-12-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

Today I was supposed to be at work at 7:30am, due to holiday mall hours and jewelry buying madness. I was dreaming about a chinese restaurant that sold rally tacky christmas ornaments when I heard my phone ringing at 8. Great, this day was going to turn to shit. I dressed and was at work in 10 minutes, no shower, no makeup, no underwear, no energy. The roads were ok, a little slippery in spots, but nothing major. All day at work, ranchers and contractors and other working men came in to buy their wives jewelry for Christmas, I even sold a few engagement rings. Store by store, the mall closed, and I realized my evening was shit as well. I met someone on yahoo, talked to him a few times on the phone and online, and he seems really nice and have a good amount of thing sin common. We had scheduled our first date for tonight, and of course, just my luck the rapture has come in the form of a blizzard. There is no way I can even get my car out of the parking lot, let alone wear a cute outfit and drive somewhere for drinks. Damn! The universe does not want me to date, apparently. However, this guy is polite, and called me anyway to reschedule. Unfortunately, my insane holiday work schedule has me working 7 am to 10:30 pm almost everyday, so it's postponed a whole week. That's a whole week for me to be neurotic and worry about what i'm going to wear. Fuck! I hope I don't have to work tomorrow.

Cingular sensation

2006-12-15T14:26:00.000-07:00

I realize this blog is starting to sound like a 12 year old's diary, but Cingular guy has turned out to be very creepy indeed. First of all, I have spotted him flirting with just about every girl that works in the mall, which at first I thought was funny until I noticed the girl at the coffee kiosk seem a little creeped out by him. Then I learn from an ex-co-worker that this dude has done time. In prison. Who goes to prison?! Apparently he used to be a huge meth head. There actually are no available normal men. They are like unicorns.

Getting Personal

2006-12-12T13:16:00.000-07:00

So, on advice from a certain fabulous older friend, I decided to take the leap into being pathetic and put up a personal ad on the iternets. I won't say where for fear of total mortification, but I did it. It's strange, it's like shopping for a boyfriend. I spent hours just looking at different profiles, wondering what any of these guys would actually be like in person. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they describe themselves. I hope somebody answers my ad, there's got to be somebody out there who wants to date fat chicks right? SWF seeks special someone who is not an asshole, pervert, or dumbfuck.

Mental Mall

2006-12-09T22:50:00.000-07:00

I have been wondering for several weeks now where one can find an eligable young man for dating. I can't find one at school, as all of the music people I know are either gay or terribly socially retarded. Can't find one among friends, since all my friends are more like brothers, and kissing your brother is gross. Can't find one at work, the only straight guy I work with is 19 and a gang banger, and all the customers are only there to buy their girlfriends/fiancees/wives diamonds. This leaves me with the very scary task of finding a man in the Longmont mall! If you've ever been to Longmont, you know it's a big cow town. Everyone who's not Mexican is a big old hick; country music, mullet, wrangler jeans, etc. There are also several certifiably crazy people, who have nothing better to do than wander the mall constantly.

However, after weeks and weeks of scanning everyone who walks by, I have managed to keep up a friendly flirtation with a guy who works at the cingular kiosk. I know what you're thinking "cell phone guy!?", but I'm not looking for a husband, I'm looking for somebody to make out with, and this guy is decently cute. I'm guessing he's about 26 or 27, he's got a decent sense of humor and seems generally like a normal guy. He waves to me all day from his kiosk, and we prank call each other. It's very middle school, but I haven't been single since 17, so what do I know. I have a dilema though, I can't tell if he's flirting with me or not. He looks at my boobs a good deal, but since my boobs are freakishly huge, that probably doesn't mean anything. I don't know what to do next, should I just ask him to go out? or should I keep up my little flirty game until I know more? somebody tell me, I have no idea!

OK

2006-11-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, my bday party is back on, Thursday 7ish, my place, it's gonna be old school. I'll be there and that's all that matters!

Birthday's off

2006-11-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

OK, since nobody can come, or not responding to invites, there is no more party. I would love to have one, especially since I haven't seen most of my friends in a million years, but I honestly don't think anybody is going to show and that would be way sadder than calling it off.

Birthday

2006-11-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

Ok...I never get to have a birthdqy party since it's alwys around Thanksgiving and whatnot, sooo... I'm throwing myself a party. That's right, I'm newly single, I have new furniture, a new haircut, and I'm turning 23! Since I'm so fabulous, I'm going to cook a bunch of food, get a bunch of drinks and treat all of my friends to some fun. Everybody come!! Please. November 30th (Thursday) 7:30-whenever.

The Total New Me

2006-11-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

So things are looking up I suppose. I kicked off the weekend by getting a fabulous haircut that's really really short, I'm talking no longer than my earlobes. This was short enough so that all of my dark hair/perm was cut off, and I'm back to my natural color (HOORAY!). After this drastic change I learn that I'm beating everyone in my store in sales, which means I might get a raise sometime (DOUBLE HOORAY!!). Dustin also moved out this weekend, while I was in Colorado Springs for early Thanksgiving, and I got to miss the whole process (ULTIMATE HOORAY!!!!).

My new roomate Levi moved in today. He seems pretty nice, although he is really really young. He's 18 and just graduated from high school, which means he's closer in age to Mikey than he is to me. When I got home from work he was hanging out here with two of his friends, two young looking trendster type girls. They were listening to my Black Sabbath CD on my stereo. The first thing one girl said to me was "why are you dressed so nice?". I told her I just got back from work and she said "you have to look nice at work?". After I told her I worked at Zales both girls said "Oh, that's what these books are for!", as they thumbed through my diamond and colored gem course binders. I guess I didn't really mind what they were doing, but if I were in his situation, I would feel wierd making my friends so at home in my new roomate's stuff. I tried to remember how exciting it was when I first moved away from home and had my own place, but I hope there aren't always little girls hanging out here. I mentioned that my first priority now was getting a couch, since Dustin took the futon with him, and one of the girls said "you need to get a microwave". When I was getting ready to leave, the girls asked how you get into the pool, which is closed because it's fucking November, so I told her about the hot tub and they seemed really excited. I told them I was 23 and could get alcohol or whatever, just to prove I'm cool I guess, but I'm wondering if that was such a bright idea. I went to comcast and Dustin offered to give me the microwave, wich is nice, and then went to dinner Cassie. When I got home at about 8 they were all gone, they had made pasta and left everything out on the counter and didn't do the dishes. I hope everything will be cool.

Roomie!

2006-11-07T19:11:00.000-07:00

I finally found a roomate! His name is Levi, he plays the cello, he works at Pier1. This is all I know. He's moving in Tuesday.

Roomate wanted $380 rent

2006-11-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

I have been trying desperately for a month now to find a roomate. My craigslist post says "female preferred" and not one female has responded. Are there no women in need of housing? I have had about 5 different guys respond, none of them really promising. One dude was an ueberchristian, and seemed ok until he started asking questions about my buddhist prayer flags. I showed him Dustin's Shiva half male, half female statue and he seemed frightened by the hethan wierdness. I should have known, he had "Yahweh Saves" in his e-mail address, and said he moved to Colorado because he was "betrothed" to somebody, but it fell through. Today this dude named Dave looked at the place. He seemed pretty cool, he's a pipefitter, 31, and has lots of tatoos. Hopefully this one will work out. I have some other guy that works at IBM coming over this afternoon. We shall see.

Invasion of the Israeli Skanks!

2006-11-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

As you all know, I work in the glamourus Longmont mall in Zales. We are sort of central in the mall, near the main entrance. Right outside of our store, there is an Aimons and Beaute kiosk, where one can purchase sea salt scrubs, lotion, nail fortifying cream, etc.. I have worked at the mall for over 2 months now, and have never particularly been bothered by this establishment, and the only employee I ever noticed, was a muffin-topped, ass-crack displaying mall whore named Lindsay, whose only offensive behavior (other than wearing pants that are 3 sizes too small) was to come into Zales and mooch cigarettes off of my fabulous co-worker Richard. Suddenly, last weekend while coming into work, I am accosted by a large young woman with an accent.

"Excuse me ma'am, can I ask you a question"
" No!" I said, "I'm late for work" as she grabbed me by the arm and pulled me towards the mountains of skin care products.
"Do you wear your nails natural?"
I managed to get away and get to work unscathed. The entire day, all I could hear was "Excuse me can I ask you a question?". They were yelling at people at least 40 ft. away "can I ask you a question?". They were grabbing people and pulling them towards the kiosk, giving them samples, demonstrating the products by washing their hands for them, and buffing their nails. Of course, the only people who fell for this were men. Big stupid men. I suppose it helped that the two of them were wearing the skankiest outfits I've seen in real life. The little one wore shorts so short, when she bent over you could see ass, and an extremely low-cut see-through baby blue sweater and a black bra, with black high heels. The big one wore a tight brown, low-cut mini dress with black leggings and tall brown boots. Both of them had very dark hair, with very brassy blond do-it-yourself highlights. Their dress of course was the least of their offenses that day. After a while people began to avoid them, walking along the perimeter of the walls, which of course, destroyed our business for the day. The skanks began to play dirty.

After one lady refused to get her nails buffed, the large one said "why, don't you want do have beautiful nails like this?" as she flipped her the bird. Mall security visited us shortly afterwards, and I learned that this strange phenomena happened last holiday season. Apparently the owner of the kiosk is Israeli, and he goes to Israel before the holidays and recrutes a bunch of ho-bags to sell his handcreme. Very strange indeed.

Later in the day, the larger skank started yelling and doing a belly dance and singing a Shakira song, earning her the name Skankira. Mini Skank put one leg up on a chair every time she rubbed someone's hands down, spreading her legs wide so that you could see bush coming out of the short shorts. Skankira flirted with the guys at the Cingular kiosk, T-mobile store, and any other wireless phone sales associate she could find. The worst was yet to come.

I had recently decided that my next boyfriend is going to be a Mr. Eko from lost type character, and just when I spotted the only large black man in Longmont, Skankira grabbed him by the arm "Can I ask you a question?". NOO! After she gave him a manicure she took him by the hand and they left, they just fucking left together! Where did they go? The mall bathrooms?
The Parking lot? Where!? They returned after about 20-30 minutes with some food from the food court that was not eaten. He wrote down his phone number and gave it to her, she smiled a skanky smile and put the piece of paper into her cleavage. Nasty. Skank. Whore.

Since then I have been a witness to several more incidents of skanky behavior, and several more skanks. One in a hideous fake fur coat named Skankscwatch grabbed a mentally unstable young man, who then refused to leave them alone and had to be hauled off by mall security, Skinny Skank begged us for more water for her spray bottle. Skankira accused of being anti-semetic because we only sell 3 different Star of David charms and a lot more crosses. The saga continues, day after long day, the march toward the Christmas season will be a long one, as long as we are under attack from the Israeli skanks!

If everyone is doing it, I guess I will too

2006-11-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

Well folks, I figured since everybody has a blog, and I no longer see any of my friends on a regular basis, I might as well start one. I suppose it makes sense, this way when I finally do see one of you, we don't have to spend so long playing cath-up, and I don't have to try and remember funny stories and re-tell them badly later. Anyway, I hope people read this thing. Blog away!